


How to Possibly Not Fail at Auspisticeship

by Shadow_of_Quill



Series: 0k Auspisticeship [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asexual Character, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:19:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5251343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_of_Quill/pseuds/Shadow_of_Quill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Girraf and Equius' relationship develops. Not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Scedasticity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scedasticity/gifts).
  * Inspired by [0k](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4841207) by [Scedasticity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scedasticity/pseuds/Scedasticity). 



> Scedasticity's latest bit of 0k had a shout-out to How to Fail at Blackflirting, and it made me feel so bouncy I *had* to show my appreciation. With fic.

==> GIRRAF TAPEER: THINK ABOUT YOUR NEW BLACKFLIRT

The thing you've never told anyone is that you aren't actually interested in black romance. Or red. Your moirail is the most important person in your life, you daydream sometimes about finding the perfect auspisticeship, but when it comes to actually _pailing_ someone - meh. You can _do_ it, you're not like that poor freak Chilon Duvspe you knew back on Alternia who got caught not filling his duties by the drones, it's just never going to be an important part of your life.

Your amazing moirail figured this out without ever being told. You think they might have figured it out before you did. After all, instead of trying to find you a perfect matesprit or kismesis, they only ever suggested people for casual hookups.

Of course, your amazing moirail isn't around on this ship, and none of the crew here know you well enough to realise you aren't interested in actually pailing Equius, and for more reasons than the sweating. (You are fighting very, very hard against the urge to 'suggest' that his adult name be Bluesweat. So many people would agree with you.) That includes Equius, who you've caught bringing a towel on the shifts he knows you'll be sharing. You also caught him twisting it into a garotte - or, realistically, wringing it out, but holding the ends while he glared at your back because you're being too informal again was just _begging_ to be misinterpreted. And everyone did. Gleefully.

If you _were_ interested in blackrom, Equius would probably be a pretty good match - he's so stuck on formalities and bloodspectrum that half the time you winding him up is unintentional, and that body is pretty nice. But you don't _do_ sexual interest, and hatred just makes you want to cull people, not pail them.

You don't hate Equius - he's much too amusing. That's not really good for blackrom. A kismesis is supposed to drive you to your limits, not make you fight not to laugh at them in public.

So, you're never going to be Equius' kismesis. But. Given how invested the rest of the crew is becoming in your 'romance' with Equius... maybe you should see if Derzei's offer is still on the table. 

You never saw yourself as an outer leaf, but this feels like it might be a workable auspisticeship.

(Please, dear horrorterrors, do _not_ make you have to make out with Bluesweat. _Please._ )


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derzei shares his opinion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Characterisation by excessive bolding. I apologise to your eyes in advance.

==>DERZEI: THINK ABOUT SECRETS

**You** are Derzei Dzerdi, and you know a **lot** about **secrets.** Your **biggest** secret is possibly that you don't really **believe** in the clown cult, **despite** being purple-blooded. **That's** why you became a **docterrorist** instead of a subjugglator - **officially,** it's because your chucklevoodoos are too **weak,** but that's **just** because you traded power for **precision.**

**Overbear** was never interested in you or any of your quadrants, **thank the horrorterrors,** so you didn't have any personal reason **(any _excuse_ )** to try and go after him. (You're grateful. There's no way he wouldn't have culled you.) Instead, you got to try and **put back together** the **rare ones** who **survived,** try (and fail) to **protect** the ones that **caught his eye,** try and **keep** as much of the crew as you **could** as **functional** as you could. On **this ship,** that meant keeping people **Overbear** might become interested in **away** from him.

Girraf showed a weird **talent** for **not** registering to Overbear, so he kept getting assigned to share shifts. You **watched,** a few times, trying to **figure out** how he **did it.** It took a while, but you finally **saw** it; Overbear would do something **subtle** \- horn display, lingering touches - and Girraf **wouldn't notice.** He stayed polite, he followed protocol, **but** the sexual body language **never got any response,** good or bad. Really impressive self-control, you **thought.**

**Then you thought again.**

Thought about how **long** it **takes** to **learn** that kind of **control** over **sub** conscious tells.

Thought about how Girraf has **never** contacted any **matesprit** or **kismesis** \- how he's never even _mentioned_ any, when his moirail comes up **at least once** every **fifteen minutes** anyone talks to him. Thought about how he's **never** made **any** flushed **or** black overtures to **_any_ one.**

Thought about how **good** he is at **deflecting** anyone else's **interest** in **pailing** him.

Thought... **and then** tucked those thoughts well away, because so long as he does his duty to continue the Empire it's **no one's business** how he feels about it.

It made you a bit more **aware** of him, though. It made him **a little irritating,** because you **can't** quite **figure him out.** He's doing this for a flushcrush - no, **he doesn't get those.** He's leading on a pitchcrush - **he doesn't get those,** either. You **keep** slotting his **behaviour** into the **usual boxes** and then **having to remind yourself** that **they don't apply with him.**

And then the **mess** with Equius starts.

The **thing** is, **normally** this kind of **silly little mess** would just blow over **straight away.** Misjudged black overture, pretty **common** from **newbies.** But **Equius** isn't **a** newbie. Equius is **the Survivor of Overbear,** and that means that the **entire damn ship** is **invested** in his **romantic** relationships out of **relief** \- because they **won't get anyone culled now** \- and **leftover paranoia** \- because just a **few** days ago **_they would have._** So **everyone** is **watching,** trying to **build this up** into a romance for the ages as some kind of **consolation prize** for Equius after being **targeted** by **Overbear.**

It would **probably** still blow over **pretty** fast, but Equius just **keeps fueling the flames.** You aren't entirely **sure** if it's **accidental.** If he's really **_that_ invested** in so-called **'proper' behaviour,** why is it **so often** _him_ **starting** their arguments?

**Equius** should know **better** than to **keep** putting his **foot** in his **mouth. Girraf should** know **better** than to **keep acting** like their being **kismeses** would **ever be a possibility.**

You are so **glad** when Girraf takes you up on your **offer** of auspisticeship. Finally, you have **_permission_** to **smack** the idiots' **heads** into the **walls** until they _**stop it.**_

...If Girraf **doesn't** stop **baiting** Equius, you're going to **show him** what your **chucklevoodoos** can **do.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next and last, the big one: Equius. AKA, the one with a character I might get wrong.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius. Just to round this off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am hoping I got him right.

==> EQUIUS: CONSIDER YOUR NEW AUSPISTICESHIP

You are EQUIUS ZAHHAK, and you have no idea why everyone insists that you are hateflirting with that cerulean-blooded officer. Your only feelings when he is in range are a STRONG desire to correct his uncouth behaviour and frustration at his refusals to accept his natural place in the order of things - that is to say -

==> EQUIUS: MOP FACE WITH TOWEL

You wipe the sweat from your face with a fresh towel.

You have never been - and would never dream of being - less than courteous to a superior ranking crewmember. Even those of lower blood. Even - when those of lower blood order you...

==> EQUIUS: MOP FACE WITH TOWEL

You wipe the sweat from your face with the towel.

Frankly, after Overbear's - interest in you, you don't really feel like trying to start any new relationships. It's just - the cerulean is so _disrespectful._ You honestly can't understand how someone like him survived on the same ship as that - that - _depraved_ purpleblood.

You are simply offering helpful advice and treating him appropriately to your respective ranks and ages. And he - a _cerulean_ \- repeatedly dismisses your words as if they don't matter, as if he has -

==> EQUIUS: MOP FACE WITH TOWEL

You wipe the sweat from your face with the towel.

You could, reluctantly, agree that he might possibly be pitchflirting with you. You've seen the lewd way he runs his eyes over your body when your uniform - well - You tug your collar away from where it's starting to stick to your neck as you think about it.

==> EQUIUS: MOP FACE WITH TOWEL

You wipe the sweat from your face with the towel.

He's never done more than look. He's never even tried any underhanded tricks to get a particularly lewd view - you know because you've heard other crewmembers offering him advice about what they consider 'missed opportunities'.

You had no idea how widely such immoral attitudes were spread through the Fleet.

So you will admit to being STRONGLY confused by the supposed relationship between the two of you. To Nepeta. By trollian. Repeatedly.

You are, to be honest, grateful for Derzei's interruptions. And as an indigo-blood, it is traditional to have a purple-blood for your darker quadrants.

However, having the middle leaf of an auspisticeship be the highest-blooded member of it - is - 

==> EQUIUS: MOP FACE WITH TOWEL

You smear sweat over your face with the completely soaked towel.

...

You wring the towel out, being careful not to look in the direction of the cerulean-blood.

That is a mistake you will never repeat.

You never needed, nor wanted, to know how many lewd jokes could be made about nooses.

==> EQUIUS: STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR NEW AUSPISTICESHIP

And, gratefully, you turn your mind away from your new relationship to the far more interesting subject of what grand secret Nepeta has been hinting around that you are now being invited to share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is it.


End file.
